AA Humour
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A bit of  light-humour borrowed from various sources. If you have some that tickles your bones, drop me a line and we will see if we have room left .
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FEMALE  PRAYER vs MALE PRAYER - Submitted by Brian C
                                                                          Sprit of the Book Group
FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I  pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One  who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I  spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make  love to my mind,
knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend..... Amen


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a quiet soft spoken girl who's father owns a liquor store, has her own bass boat, motorcycle and 4x4. Sorry .... this doesn't rhyme but I don't care..... Amen.


THIS REMINDS ME OF A SINGLE'S AD IN A LOCAL PAPER ......









            +++++++++++   ooooooooooooo   +++++++++++++

YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO THE MESSAGE FROM PERSON WHO SHARES BEFORE YOU ............... OTHERWISE YOUR MESSAGE MAYBE TAKEN THE WRONG WAY

A southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the BEER in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the WINE in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the WHISKEY in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, ........ "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

          ++++++++++++    oooooooooooo   ++++++++++++++

THE EFFECTS OF OUTDOOR LIFE

"You're in fine shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I'm 78," the man said.
"Seventy-eight?" questioned  the doctor.                                     "How do you stay so healthy ....  You look only 20 years old ?"
"My wife and I made a pact when we married," the man explained. "Whenever she got mad, she would cool off in the kitchen, and I       would go outside to settle down."
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
  and the man replied "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life"

                   ++++++++++++++  oooooooo  +++++++++++++++

THE FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH -

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -------------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop N. Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------------------ U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -------------------------------------------- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------------------Where-Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------------------------------------A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach----------------- Wells-Far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ---------------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------------------------------------------ Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ------------------------------------------------ Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------------Way Tu Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -------------------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------------------- Go Gogh
A niece who travels alot in a motorhome ----------- Winnie Bay Gogh
And Now ------------------------------------------------------------------ I Gota Gogh

                                  +++++++++ oooooooo  +++++++++++

NEGATIVE PEOPLE TRY TO BRING OTHERS DOWN                                               - submitted by a dear friend of mine and a friend of AA

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

We're taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!

Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.

Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?

We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.

That's rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

It was wonderful explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome

28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the hairdresser that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me.

Oh, really!  What'd he say?

He said: Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?





MEMORY COMES BACK IN THE SUPERMARKET

This recovering alkie is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He thought he might have met her back in his drinking days.

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back over his drinking days to the one and only time he has been unfaithful."Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party".

"No," .......... she replies ..... "I'm your son's English Teacher."

                ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

WHEN TIMES ARE TOUGH .... THINGS COULD BE WORSE

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced  with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently  saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he  could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot  yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put  him  in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.  Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to  the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and  said,  "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and  actions.  I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate  transgressions and I  fully intend to do everything I can to correct  my rude and  unforgivable  behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic  change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the  turkey did?"

              ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

DOES BEER CONTAIN ESTROGEN?

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. The most prevalent hormone was Estrogen. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager & observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive.

             ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

"BASIC BAR TALK  PARAPHRASED"

"YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... beers are now a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

"WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

"WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am
an expert at diverting attention.)

"I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and
blew a .4 after my last visit here.)

"I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
(I can't throw anything smaller than a pool cue when
I'm this bombed.)

"I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)

             ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

"THE DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE"

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about it's training.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

             ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

COULD BE AN AL-LON JOKE CAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behaviour and was particularly distraught by it all.

The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought that this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in.

Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, He replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

              ++++++++++        oooooooooooo       +++++++++++

GOING TO ANY LENGTH TO GET THE JOB DONE

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
You probably shouldn't dig up that garden anyway. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

A couple days later, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie


Stay tuned for more humour  .... as I will be adding to these pages as they come in ......  don' forget, if you have some thing, send it to get publish ( family content only )

If this page wasn't enough for you .... here is 

  YOUNG LADY WANTED
With late model pickup truck.
Please send picture of truck.
              Jack P.
                       PO Box 000