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WATCH WHERE YOU GET YOUR ADVISE FROM .........

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time .

The boyfriend is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boyfriend  for about an hour.  He tells him everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks him how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or  family pack.  He insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" They go inside and taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boyfriend quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,

The girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boyfriend turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Truth or Fiction
submitted by Allen W. of the Riverside Men's Group

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.(Public Relations)

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and
George asks him his name. "Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the Support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more Votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name. "Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"







END OF BBQ SEASON .........

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big.............. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; ......... your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong honey?"... he asks. .... She answers: ..."Do you really think ................. I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE GETTING OLD .............           HERE'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No", says the 80-year, "I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock ... no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00 replies the 80-year old






Faith in the 21st Century - submitted by Brian C.

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the  station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the  car and drive to the station for a fillup.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can  he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would  care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.  After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill  with gas,she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.  As she was pouring the gas into the tank of  her car, two men watched her from across the street  One of them turned to the other and said: "I know  that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church  every Sunday for the rest of my life!"

A  REASON FOR THE HIGHER COST OF LIVING

At the grocery store, I couldn't understand why free-range eggs were more expensive than ordinary eggs.

"Well, sir, think of it as being like your cell phone," explained the checkout clerk. "They get you with roaming charges."

LOGIC FROM DRUNK TRAVELLERS

A couple of drunks were flying to Reno for a long weekend. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "The pilot has just informed me that we've lost an engine. There's no need for alarm, though. We have three engines left, and we'll just be an hour late."

About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. "We've lost another engine. Don't worry. We still have two more, but we'll be another hour late."

One drunk turned to his friend and said, "Man, if we lose the other two engines, we'll be up here all day."

I  WOULDN' T  TOUCH THIS  ONE  WITH  A  5  FOOT  POLE

One night a slightly inebriated lady stumbles into a police station with a black-eye. She tells the sergeant that she heard a noise in her backyard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate and returned some time later with a black-eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his sergeant asked.

"No" the officer replied ........  "I stepped on the same rake"

THE TALKING CLOCK

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the otherside of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you as*hole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

A LETTER SEND TO GOD

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened.

It read:Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

THE LOGIC USED BY A DRUNK

Perhaps you've heard the story about the drunk who lost his car keys and was looking for them under a streetlamp. A stranger walked up to offer help, and then asked "What are you looking for" and the drunk replies "My car keys !!! ".

The stranger then asks, "Where did you last have them?" and the drunk replies, "Over there" pointing to a point about 20 yards away.

The stranger then asks, "Why are you looking over here?"  where the drunk replies "It' too dark to see over there."

THERE IS MORAL TO EVERY STORY - submitted by Jeff N.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.""What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher."Don't put all your eggs in one basket!""Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Liz.Aunt Liz was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,"what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "*(*%%$#&  &%^*/%  &#@$#!(^ away from Aunt Liz when she's been drinking

WATCH WHAT YOU ASK FOR ! ! !

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her beloved pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry you duck Cuddles has passed away".

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't don any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and r returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. " $150.00 !" she cried. "$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been $20, but with the Lab-Report and the Cat-Scan it's now $150.00

THERE IS SOME HUMOUR IN SIGNS YOU SEE

Seen in an Office -
        Toilet Out of Order ... Please Use Floor Below

Seen in a Laundromat -
        Automatic Washing Machines:
        Please Remove All Your Clothes
        When the Light Goes Out

Seen in a Department Store
        Bargain Basement Upstairs

Seen in another Office
        Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday.
        Please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Seen Outside a Second Hand Shop
        We Exchange Anything
        Bicycles, Washing Machines Etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain !

Spotted in the Window of a Health Food Shop
        Closed Due to Illness

Spotted in a Safari Park
        Elephants Please Stay in Your Car

Seen During a Conference (may at one of the GSR Conferences)
        For anyone who has children and doesn't' know it,
        .......... there is a Day-Care on the first floor.

Notice in a Farmer's Field
        The Farmer Allows Walkers to Cross the Field for Free
        But the Bull Charges

On a Repair Shop's Door
        We Can Repair Anything
        Please Knock Hard on the Door
        As the Bell Doesn't Work


THE AMAZING CLAUDE
Opening night at the' Orpheus & The Amazing Claude was topping the' bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance,
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

Excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch, a very special watch, been in my family for 6 generations".

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist . . . . It took three weeks to clean up the theater


MIND HOW YOU EXPRESS YOUR WISHES WHILE STILL ALIVE
                        - Sent in by Brian C. of the Young at Heart Group

A husband and his wife were sitting in the living room watching a serious television show. When the show ended the lead character was placed on life support and the words 'continued' showed up on the screen.

The husband then said to his wife, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife then got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer


JUST ANOTHER WAY WE ARE TESTED

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It
was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. One day "little" sister called and asked me
to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock
as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father - in law hugged me and said, we
are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask
for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:...............

Always keep your condoms in your car.................
.


JUST FYI ....... OR IF YOU PLAY SCRABBLE

Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room

Presbyterian:
When you rearrange the letters:
Best in Prayer

Astronomer:
When you rearrange the letters:
Moon starer

The eyes:
When you rearrange the letters:
They see

The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters:
Here comes dots

Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash lost in me.

Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity

Election Results:
When you rearrange the letters:
Lies - Let's Recount

Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No more Z's

A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot in Place

More to Come
Waiting for more humour ....
                     ................ please e-mail you jokes to the webmaster.